The type of marriage I dreamed of started with a friendship. Laughs and jokes here and there, serious conversations about the future... what our goals are, what our principles are and how we can grow together. A friendship that then turned int a romance. Long walks, late night conversation and passionate time that each other wanting for more. A romance which would then grow into a relationship where friendship, romance, respect and love all coalesced into one thriving heartbeat.
It was like that at first.. All relationships usually are. There were so many thing telling me to slow down. So many stop signs, u turns and yields that I ignored until I crashed. why rush the relationship to marriage? Why move in so quickly? Why is living in someone's basement ideal for a grown man to bring his wife into? Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself or your wife? Why threaten to leave when you get upset? Why purposefully try to get me pregnant? When I do get pregnant, why try to guilt me into aborting? Why remind me every single day of my pregnancy how much you don't this child?
It may have been strong feelings in the beginning but I was just a play toy for a man who couldn't figure out his life. I have no regrets about keeping my child. I have other regrets that can't be changed. He lives in the past. He blames me for fights and arguments we had over a year ago. I can see myself 20 years in the future having him still be over me missing him "family" bbq when he has missed my family's engagement party, my best friend's birthday party, dinner with my family, baby showers for my godchildren ... the list goes on.
How does he expect to feel like the man of the house when I can't even be comfortable in our "home". For months our stove didn't work properly and he couldn't careless but be upset when I inquired about it. Our sink has been clogged for 2 months, his cousin is now living with us (long past the 1 month invite), our bedroom light doesn't work and he always runs to the aid of the people upstairs to help them fix this or that when he isn't taking care of home.
He has made me doubt and question myself time and time again. I never want to feel this way again. This is not love. It wasn't love in the beginning. My heart told me so a million times but I told it to be quiet because I was happy.
I wont ignore my heart again and I wont ignore my brain telling me that this is all a false cover for his personal gain.
Things wont change and he is doing his very best to push me away until I leave because he isn't strong enough to do it himself. Once I'm gone I promise I will only be a memory to him and a vague thought to my unborn child.
