I think I loved him

I'm not sure...

Quick glances filled with so much passion I feared everyone would know.
Stolen moments at lunch or a quick run to the store with him were the highlights of my day
Dawn reaching conversations..

I was his sole concern and my presence just seemed to brighten his day.

I think I loved him.
I'm not sure...
So much so that I would betray the trust of the people I hold closest to my heart just to be with him. And he let me.

Caught up in the practical life we outlined for ourselves and the promises we made to respect one another. I couldn't see that his demons would eventually turn on me. I was living a fairy tale. Where have you been all my life?

I think I loved him.

I leaped for the first time in my life. Head first and heart in my throat. I was scared of how it would all play out but he kept my faith strong.

I'm not sure..

But of course nothing lasts forever. His demons attacked.
His doubts became my aim to please
His insecurities became my constant need to reassure.
And his lies made my heart ache.

Is this love? Love doesn't take pleasure in watching the one who means the most suffer. Is this tragic part of the story, where I feel like all hope is lost?

My story is still unfolding
My heart is still trying to hold on.
My mind is made up. I think I love him but know I know for sure.

*sigh*

Life is a learning process

I believe that to my very core. That's which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger and wiser. Each experience no matter how small shapes the decisions we make today and tomorrow. 

Each mistake gives us the full scope of the consequences of our actions. Instead of wallowing in self pity, casting doubt on everything good in you're life, blaming everyone else out loud and beating yourself up inside... Take some time to consider the facts, your feelings and your goals. A bitter, angry, look at me look at me, feel sorry for me attitude will get you nowhere you want to be and everywhere you don't want to.

Further more, it turns you into a pessimistic life sucker. No one wants to be around that.

If you secretly find yourself guilty of the above life jilted reality then try something new. Try to identify the positive things you have going, become thankful for those who stand by you at you best and worst, reflect of the times you've gotten out from between that rock and hard place. Make a plan to become a better version of yourself and do it. Do it now. Karma is a bitch and I strongly believe that misery loves company. That's no company I want to keep. I wash my hands of the negativity and and change my circumstances to create a happy life for myself. 

If you mistakes end up on your list of regrets. Then work to correct it. Each achievement, every step in the "right" direction will only motivate you to climb higher and run faster.

If this sounds like a Dr. Phil episode then ask yourself why so many people seek help. It's not because they need to be analyzed by some stuff old white guy with smart remarks. It's because they need someone to pout out the things they can't or won't see as true. They simply fill in the blanks when your brain is overrun with worry, doubt and fear. So call me Dr. Phil, Miss Cleo or whatever you like but I see the path my life can take and I am determined to have more control over the things that contribute to my happiness. 

I'm learning to make my life a better experience.

Celebrating Black History

I know you've all seen it... they Black History Month commercials have started on BET. The Black community is getting ready to "celebrate" Black History Month. I'm not exactly sure I understand the concept of Black History Month.. we give the creme de la creme of the Black community praise and shine for 28 days and then back to forgetting their existence for the rest of the year. I recently watched a clip of Monrgan Freeman on 60 Seconds.. topic: Black History Month I must say I agree... Why limit the achievements, celebrations, education and reflection of the Black American History to the shortest month of the year when it is a big part of American History? Where is White History Month? Jewish? Mexican? Spanish? Russian? Spanish... see where I'm going? Can you imagine White History Month - a celebration of achievements of White Americans? They call this country the melting pot, made up of cultures from around the world. They have assimilated and bubbled up into a new American version of the original. Where are their history month celebrations? Take the 2 or 3 train uptown to 125th Street and you see a celebration of African American history 24/7 - 365. From black owned businesses, the Apollo, to Magic Johnson Theater, and Harlem Children Zone. To be fair, I love that every February there is an interesting and informative show or documentary on prime time TV. I love that the world around me is more aware of the Black Community in a positive light but why wait a year for everyone else to research their history - because as an American, Black History is your history whether you are of color or not. So this month when you celebrate Black History Month keep in mind that it is American History and you can still celebrate after the 28th.