This Isn't Love

The type of marriage I dreamed of started with a friendship. Laughs and jokes here and there, serious conversations about the future... what our goals are, what our principles are and how we can grow together. A friendship that then turned int a romance. Long walks, late night conversation and passionate time that each other wanting for more. A romance which would then grow into a relationship where friendship, romance, respect and love all coalesced into one thriving heartbeat.

It was like that at first.. All relationships usually are. There were so many thing telling me to slow down. So many stop signs, u turns and yields that I ignored until I crashed. why rush the relationship to marriage? Why move in so quickly? Why is living in someone's basement ideal for a grown man to bring his wife into? Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself or your wife? Why threaten to leave when you get upset? Why purposefully try to get me pregnant? When I do get pregnant, why try to guilt me into aborting? Why remind me every single day of my pregnancy how much you don't this child?

It may have been strong feelings in the beginning but I was just a play toy for a man who couldn't figure out his life. I have no regrets about keeping my child. I have other regrets that can't be changed. He lives in the past. He blames me for fights and arguments we had over a year ago. I can see myself 20 years in the future having him still be over me missing him "family" bbq when he has missed my family's engagement party, my best friend's birthday party, dinner with my family, baby showers for my godchildren ... the list goes on.

How does he expect to feel like the man of the house when I can't even be comfortable in our "home". For months our stove didn't work properly and he couldn't careless but be upset when I inquired about it. Our sink has been clogged for 2 months, his cousin is now living with us (long past the 1 month invite), our bedroom light doesn't work and he always runs to the aid of the people upstairs to help them fix this or that when he isn't taking care of home.

He has made me doubt and question myself time and time again. I never want to feel this way again. This is not love. It wasn't love in the beginning. My heart told me so a million times but I told it to be quiet because I was happy.

I wont ignore my heart again and I wont ignore my brain telling me that this is all a false cover for his personal gain.

Things wont change and he is doing his very best to push me away until I leave because he isn't strong enough to do it himself. Once I'm gone I promise I will only be a memory to him and a vague thought to my unborn child.

"I have no life with out him. I can't even pray about it"

Watching Why Did I Get Married. You know the scene when Sheila finds out the Mike has been sleeping with her friend? She is on top of the mountain crying that her marriage is over. I felt her pain the entire time until she said that. No man worth your love and trust should ever make you feel this way. I've felt her pain exactly... I've felt like the pain I had surging through my body was enough to take away every ounce of joy I've ever felt. Even at my lowest points it was good to pray and talk it out with myself. Despite what you heard, you were not born alone but if you limit your life to one person and one person only - there is a strong chance that you will die alone. 

If that overwhelming sadness and hopelessness comes over you, talk it out. Understand the world is an amazing place. It is bigger that you and I. There is so much more beauty in this world to see and experience than bad. Find out what they are. Find something beautiful to elevate yourself from your slump. Treat yourself to a walk with your headphones on or a ride through the park. Seeing the other side of the coin can turn things around for you. Focus on the things that make you happy and make you smile. When you find them- stick to it. Then you won't get aught out there making silly comments like "I have no life with out him. I can't even pray about it". 

You can tell by the types of movies Tyler Perry directs that he has lived a hard life. He understands the pain of a woman and the struggles of a black man. Sometimes its just a little too dramatic for me to enjoy the work itself. Sometimes I wonder what happened in his life to make him experience the tragic things that give him inspiration for these movies. Hey Mr. Perry! If you're listening... can we have a movie where babies aren't thrown out of windows? The world is not a completely horrific place. There are realities that need to be accepted but how about a little positivity?

Pour it up! Pour it up!

Shameful Fame

It really seems to be a growing trend to do something completely moronic and then post the evidence on the Internet. This generation is sick with a "look at me, look at me" disease. From girls flashing the goods on Instagram for likes to beat downs glorified on tape.

I get it. Sometimes something so crazy happens that you just have to share it with your friends but there is no filter and boundary with these young people. Have you ever heard your mom say "what happens in this house, stays in this house". PSA to today's moms: make sure you say it. If you spank your kids as a form of discipline, that's your business. Once the video of you spanking your child ends up on the net - it's subject to media scrutiny, police investigation, child protection groups and your neighbors thinking you are a bad parent. Everyone becomes a critic and it is their business because you decided to share it. Not every event needs to be documented and shared with the world - the world doesn't see these events in the same light you do.

On the other hand, some of these idiots are blessed with the ignorance to show themselves to the world. I say blessed because they are unknowingly stopping themselves from themselves. Case and point - the video of two little girls fighting each other in a Bronx park. 

So what if thy fought? 

Kids fight everyday... 

The difference is that these babies were pressured into fighting each other by their older siblings (17 years old). Who idiotically were fighting over candy. The video was posted online, ended up at a news station who then called the police.

I watched the video and tried to see what could possibly be so humorous and couldn't find a thing. You can clearly hear the "adult" filming telling one of the children to "slap her". What are they really teaching these kids? I'll tell you what they are being taught.

They are being taught to be disrespectful, to be rude, to do anything for 15 seconds of shameful fame, to be another statistic and that being ratchet in the street is okay as long as it gets attention. This is what happens when you lead by faulty example. What will happen when everyone shakes their head for the billionth time and forgets about this? It's crazy to think how far it can go. What will they do next for the spotlight?

The Realization..

I spent most of my adolescent and adult life thinking that marriage was when you found the one. The one was you best friend, lover, confidant, motivator and supporter. They would share your friends and family. You both would build towards the same goals together as a family and a team.

This would b the person you talk to about your problems and not hold your tongue. You would work on your issues together and move past them instead of blaming one another for the past. In general the past is the past. There may be things that happened years ago that hurt but the more time you spend dwelling on it will hinder your happiness and any goals you have for prosperous future. Think about it... Did you even bomb a spelling test in grade school? If you did, I'm sure you don't let that one failure hold you back. If anything when it crosses your mind it motivates you to work hard or you can smile at the tantrum you threw all those years ago and can appreciate how much you've grown since then.

Your spouse should be someone you want to spend time with. Someone you tell everyday that you love them. YOLO. Tomorrow is not promised today so showing your love and appreciation should be on the top of your list of priorities.

I don't have a strong marriage role model but I have the best role model in love. My parent divorced when I was young but til this very day my father will say that my mother is the love of his life. He thinks about her in most things that he does and isn't afraid to show it. Even though she has hurt him unbelievably on so many different occasions he truly loves her. If my mother could put aside her pride I think they could grow old together and happy.

Their relationship has taught me how important trust, love, honesty and maturity is to any relationship. I have aunts and uncles who I perceive to have a beautiful marriage. They do their own thing in the day and in the evening it's all about each other. They cherish their moments of quality alone time. They thank each other for little things. They show their love to everyone who is around. It's like a silent cry to the world that 'I love my wife/husband and I'm proud of it'.

That's the type of love I thought was involved in a marriage. I mean it is forever right?

Word is... when anything ratchet is going on and you hear the words "World Star" - cover you face. 

In today's episode of Ratchet Unleashed, World Star recently added a video of a young bully named Jaide who is shown taunted another girl. The video starts out in a locker room with Jaide saying "If I touch you, you gon' hit me?". The other girl looks like she is annoyed with all the talk and ready for some action but stands quietly watching. 

It looks like Jaide is running the show until she barely touches the other girl on her nose and that's it. I can't really call the young woman a victim but she explodes with a shower of punches on Jaide. The video is about 5:22 long and recently removed from YouTube for violating the Terms of Service.

I can't say I condone girl fights but its a part of growing up. Your parents, grand parents, great grand parents and future children dealt with and will deal with school fights. They aren't going anywhere. Today it just seems that children and babied, sheltered and don't have a strong enough support team at home to withstand the occasional name calling. Lets be clear... I am not talking about the intense version of bullying that we see now where kids make full Facebook profiles to target and attack someone - that is a more graduated level of harassment. 

After watching this video though, I can't deny that I felt a sense of satisfaction to see Jaide get her "ass beat". She had all that talk and when it was time to back it up she deflected. Message to you Jaide.. make sure your bark is bigger than your bite, especially when you start to bully someone. Second, Jaide get some new friends. They all stood around and watched you get you ass handed to you. Third, what do you grades look like? Because I'm sure your parents didn't send you to school to end up on World Star.

Talk about mean girls.. Get it together ladies!

In the Eye of the Beholder

Women are one of the most beautiful creatures on earth. I mean how can you deny the basic female anatomy? There is always something steamy about two playful women - and I don't mean the drunk girls who do it for attention from men or to be the life of the party... I mean curious women admiring her own body reflected in another woman. Don't get me wrong, the male anatomy is amazingly sexy as well.

Picture this ladies.. and gents :) Tall caramel man with chiseled pecs, perfect abs and the V leading to unknown region below his belt. Well that puts a smile on my face but because I can also appreciate the female body as well doesn't make me bisexual or a lesbian. I am strictly dickly but when I see a woman with a great ass or nice (proportioned) rack or toned legs or perky calves or a beautiful face - I'm not afraid to say it.

The human body has been a subject of great artists all throughout history. Paintings or photography the capture the sexiest or more desirable spots on the body hit a major sensory in my brain. I love anything aesthetically sexual so when I posted the above photo, I expected the assumption that I Miss Jerelis had crossed over pinker pastures. Folks take it easy, its just art and it turns me on but I love my husband and he does more for my sexual appetite than a woman could ever do ;)

I think I loved him

I'm not sure...

Quick glances filled with so much passion I feared everyone would know.
Stolen moments at lunch or a quick run to the store with him were the highlights of my day
Dawn reaching conversations..

I was his sole concern and my presence just seemed to brighten his day.

I think I loved him.
I'm not sure...
So much so that I would betray the trust of the people I hold closest to my heart just to be with him. And he let me.

Caught up in the practical life we outlined for ourselves and the promises we made to respect one another. I couldn't see that his demons would eventually turn on me. I was living a fairy tale. Where have you been all my life?

I think I loved him.

I leaped for the first time in my life. Head first and heart in my throat. I was scared of how it would all play out but he kept my faith strong.

I'm not sure..

But of course nothing lasts forever. His demons attacked.
His doubts became my aim to please
His insecurities became my constant need to reassure.
And his lies made my heart ache.

Is this love? Love doesn't take pleasure in watching the one who means the most suffer. Is this tragic part of the story, where I feel like all hope is lost?

My story is still unfolding
My heart is still trying to hold on.
My mind is made up. I think I love him but know I know for sure.

*sigh*

Life is a learning process

I believe that to my very core. That's which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger and wiser. Each experience no matter how small shapes the decisions we make today and tomorrow. 

Each mistake gives us the full scope of the consequences of our actions. Instead of wallowing in self pity, casting doubt on everything good in you're life, blaming everyone else out loud and beating yourself up inside... Take some time to consider the facts, your feelings and your goals. A bitter, angry, look at me look at me, feel sorry for me attitude will get you nowhere you want to be and everywhere you don't want to.

Further more, it turns you into a pessimistic life sucker. No one wants to be around that.

If you secretly find yourself guilty of the above life jilted reality then try something new. Try to identify the positive things you have going, become thankful for those who stand by you at you best and worst, reflect of the times you've gotten out from between that rock and hard place. Make a plan to become a better version of yourself and do it. Do it now. Karma is a bitch and I strongly believe that misery loves company. That's no company I want to keep. I wash my hands of the negativity and and change my circumstances to create a happy life for myself. 

If you mistakes end up on your list of regrets. Then work to correct it. Each achievement, every step in the "right" direction will only motivate you to climb higher and run faster.

If this sounds like a Dr. Phil episode then ask yourself why so many people seek help. It's not because they need to be analyzed by some stuff old white guy with smart remarks. It's because they need someone to pout out the things they can't or won't see as true. They simply fill in the blanks when your brain is overrun with worry, doubt and fear. So call me Dr. Phil, Miss Cleo or whatever you like but I see the path my life can take and I am determined to have more control over the things that contribute to my happiness. 

I'm learning to make my life a better experience.

Celebrating Black History

I know you've all seen it... they Black History Month commercials have started on BET. The Black community is getting ready to "celebrate" Black History Month. I'm not exactly sure I understand the concept of Black History Month.. we give the creme de la creme of the Black community praise and shine for 28 days and then back to forgetting their existence for the rest of the year. I recently watched a clip of Monrgan Freeman on 60 Seconds.. topic: Black History Month I must say I agree... Why limit the achievements, celebrations, education and reflection of the Black American History to the shortest month of the year when it is a big part of American History? Where is White History Month? Jewish? Mexican? Spanish? Russian? Spanish... see where I'm going? Can you imagine White History Month - a celebration of achievements of White Americans? They call this country the melting pot, made up of cultures from around the world. They have assimilated and bubbled up into a new American version of the original. Where are their history month celebrations? Take the 2 or 3 train uptown to 125th Street and you see a celebration of African American history 24/7 - 365. From black owned businesses, the Apollo, to Magic Johnson Theater, and Harlem Children Zone. To be fair, I love that every February there is an interesting and informative show or documentary on prime time TV. I love that the world around me is more aware of the Black Community in a positive light but why wait a year for everyone else to research their history - because as an American, Black History is your history whether you are of color or not. So this month when you celebrate Black History Month keep in mind that it is American History and you can still celebrate after the 28th.